Bad Soup
by Xenobia
Summary: Erwin returns to the fort after being away dealing with politics and merchants. As soon as he arrives, he realizes that most of the new recruits from the 104th trainee squad aren't acting quite right, and he discovers that one of them is accidentally responsible for their altered behavior. Takes place before things go to pot in the Female Titan arc. Humor, Fluff, implied Yaoi


"Bad Soup"

 _*Disclaimer: This fanfiction is for entertainment, non-profit purposes only. I do not claim ownership of any canon characters or the world that this is set in._

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"It's going to be a relief to have a shower and sleep in my own bed," remarked Erwin to his travel companion as they rode through the open gates of the keep. "I've had my fill of dealing with merchants and government officials, thank you."

Mike nodded in agreement, and he hopped off his horse and led it to the stables as soon as they arrived at them. He sniffed the air in the direction of the main entryway to the building, and then he had a deeper sniff.

Erwin dismounted and regarded the squad leader curiously. "What do you smell?"

"Food," answered Mike, "but there's something in the aroma that's...unusual."

"Unusual?" Erwin patted his horse and led it into the stable. He took his gloves off and pocketed them. "In what way?"

Mike shook his head, brows furrowed with puzzlement. "I'm not sure. Maybe a spice I'm not used to smelling."

Erwin nodded, thinking he had it figured out. "Sasha must have cooked tonight. She's got quite the talent for it."

Mike's stomach growled. "Well, I'm hungry. I think I'll go and see if there's any left."

"Help yourself."

Erwin closed the stable door and he followed Mike into the main hall. Mike had already vanished into the kitchen, drawn by the promise of a meal. Several of the latest recruits were there socializing in the great hall. None of the veteran members of the Survey Corps save Hange and Levi were currently present on the grounds, as they were still away on a mission to chart and set up a new supply base just inside titan-controlled territory. Hopefully they would return with minimum to no casualties within the next two days.

"Commander!" Greeted Connie when he saw him. He got up from his seat across from Jean and Eren and he ran across the hall to Erwin with almost puppy-like enthusiasm. He nearly ran right into him, in fact. He caught himself just in time and he offered Erwin the sloppiest, most inaccurate salute he'd seen in a long time. Putting his left fist over his stomach and his right fist over his butt, he smiled up at him. His eyes were even wider than usual.

"Welcome home, sir! Did you have a safe trip?"

"Er, thank you, and yes," answered Erwin. Thinking the boy must have drank too much, he let his terrible salute slide. "You can stop saluting now, Connie."

"Oh, I was still doing it?" The shaven-headed teen blinked down at his misplaced limbs and he relaxed them at his sides. "Oops. Hey, Sasha made this _kick-ass_ potato and mushroom soup for dinner tonight. You should really have some!"

Erwin was used to the boy being energetic, but there was something really off about his coordination and the way his eyes flicked around as if they couldn't focus. "Is that so? Well, perhaps after I've cleaned up and changed. Connie, are you feeling all right? What are you looking at?"

"The sparkles," answered the boy absently. He looked up at Erwin again. "So you aren't hungry yet? I could fix you a bowl if you want so it's ready for you when you come back down! It kicks ass!"

Erwin's brows furrowed. "You said that already...and what sparkles?"

The boy's pupils were so dilated that they almost made his eyes look black, and Erwin was starting to get a bad feeling.

"Oh, they're all over the place," explained Connie with a general wave of his hands. "You sure you don't want some soup right now? It totally—"

"—Kicks ass, I know." Erwin bent down a little and he put his hands on the excited teen's shoulders. "Connie, I can't help but notice that you're acting strange. Did you take any medication or drink anything odd?"

Oh God, what if he'd gotten into Hange's herb supplies or tonics and poisoned himself by accident? She had a bad habit of leaving them sitting around after using them and Erwin knew how experimental teenagers could be.

Connie shook his head and he probably would have lost his balance if Erwin weren't supporting him by the shoulders. "Nope. All I had after practice tonight was that kick ass soup, a bread roll and some water."

"I see." Erwin frowned and he started to guide the boy toward one of the tables. "Well why don't you sit down and—"

"YOU'RE the man!"

"No, YOU'RE the man!"

Erwin looked up and he was understandably surprised to see that the two male voices shouting that to one another back and forth belonged to Eren Jaeger and Jean Kirstein; who usually bickered or outright avoided talking to each other. Now they were acting like best friends and they kept going back and forth with that and laughing their heads off.

After having a better look around the room, Erwin realized that nobody present was acting right—except perhaps for Krysta, who appeared to have fallen asleep on her face at the table. Sitting at the table beside hers was Reiner Braun and Bertholt Hoover. They both seemed to be engrossed in deep conversation—with nobody. They were sitting sideways on the bench facing away from each other and it was clear that they weren't talking to each other. It was literally two different conversations.

There was so much noise and Levi was nowhere in sight. Neither was Hange. It bothered Erwin that neither of them were present and all these kids were acting so strangely. For that matter, Mikasa, Sasha and Armin were nowhere in immediate sight, either. Had they all been poisoned? Why hadn't Mike noticed any of this behavior on his way through to the kitchen?

"Sit down, Connie," Erwin reiterated, and he guided the wide-eyed boy to the nearest table and helped him take a seat.

He took a breath to call out asking where Captain Levi and Squad Leader Hange were, but then Sasha Blouse came wandering out of the corridor leading to the sitting room and bathroom. She moved like a zombie and her eyes were glossy and staring. She recognized Erwin and she went to him immediately, her head tilted at an angle like a ragdoll.

"Hi Commander," she said in a dreamy, cheerful voice. "I'd salute but my arms are numb. My eyes are doing funny things, too."

She appeared to be looking right through him, instead of directly at him. Erwin sighed and he prayed again that these kids hadn't been poisoned, somehow. "Sasha, please listen to me. Do you know where the captain or Hange are?"

"Hmm, well the captain went out for a walk a little while ago and squad leader Hange is in her room doing some research, I think."

Erwin felt some small relief. "And what about Mikasa and Armin?"

"Mikasa's umm...oh, she's upstairs working out. Armin's in the barracks reading. Hey Commander, would you like to try some of the soup I made? It turned out really good, and I used wild mushrooms that Krista found and gathered herself! I let her throw them in because she was so sweet to collect them and offer them."

"Not right now thank you, I...wait a moment." Erwin recalled Mike saying there was something unusual about the smell of the food that he couldn't place his finger on, and he got a sneaking suspicion. "Sasha, you said that you used _wild mushrooms_? Not any from the pantry?"

She tried to shrug and it looked more like a twitch. She started turning around in slow circles, closing her eyes. "Sorry sir, I know I should use what we have before it spoils, but _fresh mushrooms_! With potatoes and scallions! Oh, it made it so yummy! I might go back for seconds if I can get my arms to start working again."

Erwin put a palm to his forehead. Sasha obviously never even looked at the mushrooms. If they were the cause as he now suspected, this mess could have been avoided if the girl hadn't just allowed someone with no woodslore to toss strange fungus into the soup.

"Goddamn it," muttered the commander.

Sasha gasped, Connie's mouth fell open and Eren and Jean's game of "who can out-compliment who" came to an abrupt end. They all stared at Erwin, but the others were still off in their own little worlds.

"Commander Erwin, you just totally _cussed_!" Blurted Connie. Evidently, he'd completely forgotten that Erwin had said "kicks ass" just moments ago to him.

"Yes I did," agreed Erwin—who usually made it a point not to cuss in public for reasons of setting an example, "and I expect I'll be doing it more than once tonight—oh...Mike!"

"Oh Mike?" Repeated Sasha. "That almost rhymed with 'tonight'! Are we playing a rhyming game now, sir?"

Erwin somehow retained his patience. It wasn't these kids' fault, after all. "No, we aren't playing a rhyming game, Sasha. Go and sit with Connie over here and none of you are to leave this keep. That's an order!"

He charged for the kitchen and he made it just in time to see Mike about to eat a spoonful of the soup from the bowl he'd heated up for himself. Without ceremony, Erwin smacked both of them out of his hands. "Don't eat that."

The wooden bowl clattered to the stone floor—along with the spoon—and the soup splattered everywhere. Mike still had one hand poised with the palm up and the other poised to hold the now absent bowl and spoon. He stared at Erwin for a second as if he wasn't quite sure what just happened.

"What? Why?" He finally asked.

"It's bad soup," answered Erwin seriously. "You didn't notice any strange behavior from the recruits when you went through the mess hall?"

Mike shrugged. "No, sorry. I was so hungry I just went straight for the kitchen and started heating up some of it."

He went to the pot and he took another whiff. "What's bad about it, that weird spice I smell?"

"I'll explain later," answered Erwin hastily. "I've got to speak with Hange. Just clean up that mess and watch over those kids in the mess hall. Make sure nobody else eats this soup, too."

Mike saluted him and nodded.

Erwin left the kitchen and headed for Hange's bedroom. He knocked impatiently on the door. "Hange, I must speak with you immediately. Are you awake?"

The door opened and she beamed at him. "Hi, Erwin, welcome back! Of course I'm awake at this hour. It's much too early for bed for me."

"I apologize for disturbing you but we have an issue," he said in a rush. "Apparently Sasha made a big pot of potato and mushroom stew for everyone and—"

"Oh, I know! I was just about to go and have some. It smells really good!"

"Let me finish," he sighed. "As I was saying; Krista gathered the mushrooms for it and I suspect they were of the variety not meant for human consumption. Sasha let her put them in the soup without checking them and now every one of those kids that ate it are out of their heads."

Hange's eyes widened behind her glasses and her lips rounded. "Oooh, do you mean that soup has magic mushrooms in it?"

"Yes, or at least that is my suspicion. I need you to come with me to the kitchen to see if you can determine if I'm correct."

She chuckled. "This is so interesting!"

"No, it's disturbing," corrected Erwin. "Come on, Hange. This could be serious."

"I wouldn't worry," she advised lightly. "A handful or two of magic mushrooms in a huge pot of soup can't cause lasting harm. One of them would have to eat the entire pot for it to be dangerous."

Erwin gave her a grim look. "Have you forgotten we have a recruit in this squad that can and will eat the rest of that pot on her own if given half the chance? I would rather not risk Sasha ending up killed by her own cooking."

She shrugged and followed him to the kitchen. He pointed out the pot on the stove and she went to it and spooned some up with the ladle, poking around in it with her fingers. She managed to fish up a piece and she squinted at it under the lantern light curiously.

"Hmm. You know commander, it's nearly impossible for me to tell what sort of mushrooms these are by looking at them when they're in pieces and cooked like this." She put the ladle back down and she went for the cupboard. "Maybe I should eat a bowl myself to test it..."

Erwin's eyes widened at the thought.

 _~Hange under the influence of those mushrooms? She's volatile as it is.~_

He quickly pulled the ladle out, shook the residue off of it and placed the lid on the pot. "On second thought, I should simply throw this out."

"W-wait, Erwin!"

Hange tried to catch up with him as the commander sprinted out through the great hall. Erwin could run surprisingly fast when he was on a mission, though.

"Hey, whatcha doing with my soup, sir?" Sasha called, leaning bonelessly against Connie—who was still looking around with huge eyes at his imaginary "sparks".

Erwin didn't answer her. "Mike, go and open one of the entry doors right now!"

Mike nodded and hurried to do as he said, taking his serious tone to heart. "Are these kids going to be okay, Erwin?"

"Hopefully...just open one of those doors for me. Hurry, please...Hange's right behind me."

"Erwin, wait! Just let me have a taste! I can tell you for sure if it's magic mushrooms! It's just for testing purposes!" Hange was waving her arms as she ran through the great hall.

Mike grimaced. "I'm not sure what a 'magic mushroom' is but it sure as hell doesn't sound like something _she_ ought to have. Toss it quick, Erwin!" He yanked open the right door and stepped aside just as Erwin heaved the contents of the pot in that direction.

Unfortunately, the other side of the door stood Levi, with his hand in the middle of reaching out to push said door open. The entirety of what remained of Sasha's intoxicating soup splashed all over the captain, bathing him from shoulders to crotch with thick broth, chunks of potato and bits of mushroom. The chunks slid down his shirt as he stood there dumbfounded, and Erwin stood there with the evidence of his guilt still in his hands.

Erwin and Mike both went pale.

"Oh, you're a dead man, Erwin," Mike predicted. "Well, it's been an honor to serve with you, sir." He took off after that, leaving Erwin to face his fate without him.

"Levi," said Erwin carefully, dropping the pot. "I—"

"Oh my...AH-HAHA! WOOAH-HA-HA!" Hange had reached the entryway and her exclamation of hilarity upon seeing Levi dripping with soup interrupted Erwin's attempt apology. When the commander turned a bit to glare at her, she wisely decided it was best to take Mike's example and leave. "Good luck, Erwin! I'll cry at your funeral, I promise!"

"Thank you," he gritted.

He looked at Levi and he winced. The captain was still standing there, not reacting. Considering he'd just thrown soup all over a man that Mike had dubbed 'the King of Clean', Erwin presumed Levi was just too stunned by the mess to act right away.

"I sincerely apologize, Levi," Erwin said in his most calming tone of voice. Usually he could talk sense into Levi even when he was at his angriest. "I had no idea there was anyone standing behind the door and it was an emergency situation. I didn't mean to throw it on you."

Levi just stared at him. In fact, he was staring intently into his eyes, and his expression was...amazed? Erwin saw so few expressions from the man it was hard to say. Amazed on anyone else could translate to anything on Levi. Usually he didn't have an expression at all—except in the bedroom or when fighting titans.

"Levi?" Hedged Erwin. He wondered if he should prepare to defend himself.

"You're back," said the smaller man, hooded gray eyes still intent on him.

"Yes, I'm back. This wasn't how I would have preferred to greet you, but...Levi?"

Levi had stepped closer, until they were within inches of each other. He kept staring into Erwin's eyes with absurd concentration, and Erwin was getting unsettled.

"Your eyes," murmured Levi.

 _~He wants to poke them out?~_

"What about them?" asked Erwin aloud cautiously.

Levi didn't blink; he just kept staring. "They're so damned _blue_."

"They've always been blue," reminded Erwin.

"But...I never noticed how...pure," Levi said softly, clearly awed. He started closing the distance between their faces so that he could look deeper. Being so much shorter than Erwin, there was only so much closer he could get without climbing up on him. "It's...beautiful."

At first, Erwin was terribly confused, and then he saw the wideness of the captains pupils. Levi's strange behavior suddenly made sense, and he groaned. "Not you too."

"Not me too what? No, don't look down...look at me." He reached up and grabbed the taller man's jaw with his hand for emphasis.

Erwin met his eyes obligingly again and Levi resumed staring into them with amazement. "Levi, I'm afraid you're under the influence."

"I didn't drink shit tonight," countered Levi in an absent tone. He swayed a little on his feet, but it seemed to be more of a conscious thing than unsteadiness. He kept swaying gently while he stared with rapt attention at Erwin's eyes. It was like he was keeping time with a melody that only he could hear.

"I...I don't mean you drank anything," Erwin tried to explain. Why did Levi have to keep looking at him like that, and why did it have to be while he was influenced by toxic mushrooms? It was...distracting. "It's the soup. You must have eaten some. It was bad soup and that's why you're feeling the way you do right now."

"I feel fine," Levi insisted, still gently swaying. "Wait, the soup? It wasn't 'bad soup'. It was actually very good. I think that's the first time I've ever paid that girl a compliment."

"I'm sure the soup tasted good," answered Erwin. He nearly put his arms around him but then he recalled that Levi was still drenched in the soup he'd thrown at him by accident. "The mushrooms she put in it, however, were toxic."

Levi backed off a little and he narrowed his eyes. "The potato bitch poisoned me?"

"No, not at all," Erwin corrected hastily. "Nobody was at fault for this, Levi. Her only intention was to feed everyone, but she didn't realize the mushrooms put into the soup cause behavior like this. Don't take it out on her. Sasha's under the influence of it too."

"Hmm." Levi considered it and shrugged. "I won't be eating _her_ cooking anymore."

"I suppose I can't blame you." Erwin relaxed a little.

"You threw soup on me. Why?"

Thrown off by the abrupt question, Erwin frowned. "I tried to apologize and explain about that several times already, but you paid no attention. I didn't mean to throw the soup on you. I was trying to throw it out so that nobody else would eat it. You simply happened to be standing behind the door."

"Oh." Levi was staring into his eyes again. "I'm going to let it slide tonight, since I'm feeling good. I'll beat your ass tomorrow."

"How fortunate for me," muttered Erwin. "Come on. Let's get you out of these soiled clothes and cleaned up. I think Hange and Mike can handle the recruits."

He draped an arm around Levi's slim shoulders and he urged him to come inside with him. The captain kept swaying as he walked and he rested his cheek against Erwin's bicep in an uncommonly sweet way that made Erwin want to scoop him up bridal style and carry him to the bedroom. If he did that where anyone else could see it though, he knew he'd be a dead man for certain in the morning.

They made it up the stairs and into Levi's room, and Erwin got him out of his shirt and gear harness before slipping his boots off. He smirked a little when Levi lay back on the bed with his legs dangling over the edge, feet lightly kicking. The commander got to his feet and he gazed down at Levi. He'd never seen him so relaxed before. He didn't trust himself to undress either of them fully, so he turned away and disrobed down to his pants before grabbing Levi under the arms and hoisting him up to the proper position at the head of the bed.

"Hey, don't handle me like some rag doll," muttered the general.

"I was just trying to help you get comfortable." Erwin climbed on beside him and he lay on his side, propped up on one elbow. He looked down at Levi and he nearly chuckled at the way the smaller man's eyes immediately latched onto his again with that endearing fascination. "You remind me of a cat with a bauble."

"I'm not a cat," protested Levi, "and if I were I'd be trying to bat your eyes around. I doubt you'd enjoy that."

"Probably not," sighed Erwin. He reached out to comb his fingers through Levi's dark hair, thankful that he didn't get any soup in it. "I'm sorry again about the soup."

"Hmph...maybe I won't kick your ass after all. Just keep looking at me with those eyes."

Erwin was quite fond of Levi's eyes himself. He'd always found them mysterious and alluring. He never realized Levi was so fond of his until now, though. He brushed his thumb over Levi's thin brows and he sighed. "I'm glad to be back. It's a shame we can't enjoy more moments like this. Or rather, like this without the influence of bad soup."

Then it happened. Levi Ackerman _smiled_ at him. Those pouty lips that seemed to be perpetually relaxed or in repose were actually smiling. It wasn't a big smile, but it was a smile nonetheless.

Erwin stared in shock and for a moment, he could hardly breathe. "Levi, you're _smiling_."

Levi's face immediately dropped back into his usual expressionless mask. "No I'm not."

"You were," insisted Erwin. "I should know. I've known you for years and that was the first time I ever witnessed the corners of your mouth turning _up_ rather than _down_."

"Hmm." Levi tilted his head a little and just stared into his eyes.

"Are you playing a game with me?"

"Are you paranoid?" Levi raised a brow.

"Of course not. I just know what I—there! You just did it again."

Levi's face went blank again. "I don't know what you mean. Are you sure you didn't sample the 'potato bitch' soup yourself? I think you're hallucinating."

Erwin sighed. He could see a glint in those secretive gray eyes that made him think Levi knew exactly what he was doing. "Be coy then. At any rate, you should consider calling her by her name, Levi. She's already been through basic training and been torn down. If you make a habit of referring to her as 'potato bitch'—"

"Heh."

Erwin paused and stared at him. "Did you just laugh?"

"No. Get your ears examined, old man."

The commander grumbled a little and he rolled a bit to turn off the lamp.

"Hey! I can't see your eyes in the dark," complained Levi.

"You can't toy with my head with those smiles, either," countered Erwin. He lay on his side and he reached out to roll Levi onto his side as well, pulling him close.

"I didn't smile. You're crazy."

"Yes, you did." Erwin nuzzled Levi's soft hair and he rubbed his back. "And it's a sight I'll never forget so long as I live. I should probably thank you for sharing that with me, even if it was only brought about by the bad soup."

"Potato bitch soup," insisted Levi, throwing an arm around him. He nuzzled Erwin's chest.

"I give up," sighed Erwin.

"Really? You suck at this, Erwin."

The commander chuckled softly. If only they could stay like this. Unfortunately they only had a few days before the next expedition. "Goodnight, Levi."

"Mm. Oh and Erwin?"

"Yes, Levi?"

"Don't worry about Sasha. I was just calling her potato bitch because I know it pisses you off. She gets the same from me that everyone else gets. You know I take my soldiers' survival very seriously."

"I know that, Levi." Erwin smiled in the darkness, but there was a pained quality to it. Levi was hard for most people to read because he kept his expressions so neutral. He often came off as unfeeling and intimidating. In truth, Erwin thought Levi was a better person than him. Most people could never possibly guess the depth of Levi's devotion to the men and women in his ranks, and to Erwin himself.

 _~I love you, but I'll never have the courage to tell you so.~_

But he would always have those little smiles and that soft, brief laugh to cherish in his heart and mind, because he knew that nobody else was ever likely to see or hear them.

* * *

-The End


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